What is Sad?

I believe that there are many types of sad.

So many different feelings with it.

and I have come to know many,

Just as many,

have come to know me.

I have realized that sad..

Can be people.

What is the saddest kind?

The saddest kind of sad

Is the sad that tries not to be sad.

You know,

When sad tries to bite its lip

and not cry,

and smile,

and say "No, I'm happy for you"

That's when it's 

Really sad.

Yet again,

Maybe we are all just

Sad.

Grey Crayon in the Box

When I was a little girl, I was told my eyes reflected the galaxies of my thoughts. And that nothing could be more beautiful.

 I believed you could make wishes on eyelashes, like we do with dandelions. I believed grey was the most fascinating color in the crayon box.
But never did I think, my mind would be as unknown as a paradox.

I believed in pinkie promises. 

 I believed in bedtime stories, and mini marshmallows in hot chocolate. I believed nothing could be greater than love. And still, I believed grey was the most fascinating color in the crayon box.
But never did I think, goodbyes could hurt more than a knife.

 I believed you could get through anything with a Hannah Montana song. I believed that my ADHD could never hold me back. I believed in dads and doughnuts, and drinking apple juice when you get sick. I believed my stuffed animals were family, and that peas were of the devil. 

But never once did I think, 
that the little grey crayon in the box, was me.

 And now I believe that grey is the color of secrets, never meant to be read. Grey is the unknown. Grey is supposed to be the inbetween. Grey is a color that doesn't stand out. 

I believe that colors will always fade, but grey will remain. I believe grey is the color of our empty spaces.

But maybe grey is a paradox too.

Maybe grey is sad. And maybe grey cries. But grey will be okay. Maybe grey can be beautiful, as it's the color of silence. Maybe grey stays the same, to comfort each color when its their time to fade. Maybe grey is lost, trying to find its spot on the page.

And maybe,
Maybe I'm just a little too grey.

I am a dull and lifeless grey. I am one that wants nothing more than to be that little girl with crazy beliefs. The girl that didn't know any better.

Now I just think in grey.
But that's not entirely a bad thing.

So next time you see, that little grey crayon in the box. Think of a little girl who hoped and dreamed. Think of a girl that makes mistakes, but still continues to try. Think of a girl who still believes in pinkie promises. Think of a girl who is more beautiful than all her defeat. Think of a girl who will always be around, who is always here to stay.

Think of me.

        Me and my grey.

One Day

I hope one day you realize

how alone I really am..

how left out I really feel..

how many tears I really cry..

Maybe you will actually see

I was never really happy.

Everyone forgot,

without thinking to remember.

Always in the background,

or always in the center.

Yet still,

  Somehow always,

Unnoticed. 

I hope someday,

someone realizes.

Cause right now..

my cries are

being mistaken

as laughter.

Just to Keep You Out

I tried to stop loving you
so I built walls around my heart.
Walls made of bricks,
Just to keep you out.

And found other names
to whisper in the night.
Just to forget the feeling,
of your arms holding me tight.

But you carved yourself,
into my veins,
as if it were my grout,
that held together my brick wall.

I don't know if you meant to,
but the memories are leaking in.
And sometimes I wonder,
If you remember the way
we looked at each other.

Like we're about to kiss.
Or maybe, you forgot.

With you went so much of me,
Yet here I am, remembering
the feeling of your arms,
and how they felt like home. 

I tried to stop loving you,
to such a great extent.

Only to have no other choice,
but to convince myself

That I never have..

Just to keep you out.

Yesterdays..

11:59 PM

In one minute, or

sixty seconds, or

sixty thousand milliseconds,

today will be gone

and today will be yesterday and 

tomorrow will be today.

it's kind of terrifying when you think

about it.

Terrifying in the way that everything

you did today - all the 

lists you made,

places you've been,

things you've touched, 

songs you've heard,

conversations you've had - will

soon become a memory,


or worse, it would be forgotten.

Lost amidst all of your yesterdays.

gone.

And the trouble is, you

think you have so much time.

12:00 AM

            Today. 

Maybe Love is just a Void..

I am lost in this hollow vastness that people call love. I can't remember where I've gone, or where I've went. I've forgotten my own footsteps, retracing them is hopeless. 

I keep waiting. 

Waiting for someone to notice me, to help me find my way. I'm waiting for someone to piece me back together. To find all my broken parts, all the traces that I've left behind. I'm waiting for someone to make me whole again.

Though maybe,

Maybe I'm always waiting. 

You see, I laugh a lot for someone who is dead inside. And I smile just enough, to seem okay. 

But I hope that one day, someone will come along and bring back the dimples in my smile. And that their smile, the warmth of it, will give me that feeling of butterflies. The feeling that I have longed to remember.

My heart is full of empty spaces.

And with empty spaces, comes secrets full of metaphors.

A box full of happy memories, with him. A calendar kept close to my skin. A ring that holds so much promise, but was never promised. 

Maybe love is just a void.

Maybe love, is just an idea. An idea that was meant to give us hope, but not to keep us breathing. So many of us, get drunk on the idea of love. And not enough of us, realize how destructive it really is.

Love gives us idle feelings. We think we're happy, but really..

We're desolate.

Or maybe that's just me. Me and my twisted thoughts. Thinking that love is evil. Evil like the sun. I have found a lot of horrors in light, and so much beauty in the dark. 

I have lost hope in finding love, and in finding myself. I think I will always be lost. Lost in the void. And I think, I will continue to have shallow laughter, and fake smiles. I think I've lost the light in my eyes. My step has lost its purpose, and voice has become  an echo, an echo in the void. 

I think I've become desolate, and will always feel the numbness of deaths kiss. I think I have learned to live with these empty spaces in my heart.

I also think, someone is going to find me. And they are going to fall in love with me. Whatever that means. And they are going to fall in love with the all the little broken pieces, and painful memories, and endless tears, and weakened cries. They are going to fall in love with the little quirks, and giggles, and gentle touches. They are going to fall in love with me. So I think, I'm going to keep just enough hope, to get me through.

Because maybe, just maybe..

We are all lost. 

And maybe, the void isn't so bad.

Maybe, we are all waiting in the empty spaces of out hearts, for someone to find us.

And so,

I think I'm going to keep waiting.

Scribbled in Sharpie

I have many hats.

Almost too many to count.

 I have green hats, and black hats.
Purple hats and grey hats.
Even some snap backs. 
 And they all have memories.
Memories of coffee shops,
and sweaty concerts. 
Even dark alley ways with fireworks.
 But there is one specific hat,
One hat that will always be my favorite.
 The one you wore when you held my hand,
And the tingle in my fingertips,
kept me from holding yours. 
 The hat you wore,
When we first kissed, in my cars front seat after work that night.
The hat with our names inside it,

  Scribbled in Sharpie.

The hat that never left your head,
until the day you put it on mine.
 The hat that was our promise.
Our promise to never leave.
 The hat you would only let me touch.
The hat that was our forever.
And finally,
The hat I wore,
Standing under the street light,
       Watching you walk away..


I have many hats.
Almost too many to count.
But not one of these hats,
could compare to the one,

              That was yours.