Goodnight B.

It's pathetic really, how much I still hope it's you and me in the end. 

But then again, maybe my end isn't with someone. 

They are the one's that keep deciding they don't want to be living the moments of their precious life with me. 

Nothing goes as planned, everything breaks.

People say goodbye, everyone says goodbye. Just in their own special way, but the way you did? Killed me the most.

I can feel the memory of you pumping through my veins, I can still taste you on my lips. And I can't get rid of you.

Everything will change. Nothing stays the same. And I am the only one to blame I guess. At least thats how it seems.. I am the one everyone leaves behind. 

We used to never say goodbye, we were to afraid of a goodbye. Instead, to bit each other farewell, we only said goodnight. As a promise that there would never be a goodbye. It helped us sleep at night, knowing that we were always going to have each other. And every new sunrise, it was a contest to see who would say good morning first. And everytime, it brought a smile to my lips. 

You stopped saying goodnight. 

So I stopped sleeping. 

The nightmares become to real, waking me in screams, every. single. night.

Sleep used to be my escape from reality, it used to help me destress. Id have to take a nap every single day after work or school. 

But now?

Sleep is just the reminder of everything I no longer have. Its a reminder of everything that I love, and care, and cherish with everything in me. And now, its all gone. 

Everything.

I can never escape.

My words, feel swollen inside my throat.

My screams caught inside my frozen lungs. 

I can't stand this hell.

Maybe my end isn't with someone.

Maybe, it ends with me. And maybe, its time for the end to come. 

So my love, my forever, my eternity,

This is goodnight. And a long night it will be.

You are, and always were, worth coming apart for.

Home.

Sometimes sad is very big. It's everywhere.

All over me.

It wraps me up in its arms and sings to me.

it's twisted lullaby. Like a tortuous fantasy.

It whispers the romanticism of heartbreak and loneliness.

And I can't help but to cling to them.

I've heard these whispers for so long. 

It's starting to feel like home.

In a paradoxical way.

I've fallen in love with all of these empty spaces building up inside. All the tiny cracks, slowly expanding, letting the darkness seep through. I've fallen in love with my bruised and weak body, and how its collecting more scars by the day.

I've found this a safe place to be.

On the verge of tears.

With sobs lodged in your throat.

Lips quivering.

As well as the swollen lungs, inhaling this toxic society.

The anxiety of loss.

On the line of breathing the same air as the sunrise, or welcoming the numbness of death.

I've fallen in love with this.

It's almost as comforting as the arms that used to hold me when the world went crumbling down. The hollow feeling, is almost as soothing to my rapid heart rate, as your voice once was. Mumbling the sweet nothings in my ear. 

It has given me a feeling, that you once gave me. One that I thought I would never feel again. 

Home.

But this time, 

My home won't leave.

And it Rains.

I am alone, standing underneath a grey umbrella.

Everything is slow motion. 

The kids across the street, playing in the puddles.

The traffic following the rhythm of the stop light.

Low rumbles of the thunder,

even the slow numbing of my heart. 

Numb.

That was the world now.

That was the sky, and the traffic, and the puddle pooling around my boots, and the slight breeze tickling my cheeks. 

Numb.

I am numb.

The day you left,

The clouds turned dark,

and it rained, and rained,

and rained.

There's never a reason for the sudden change of weather.

But you changed.

Just like the weather.

It was unpredictable,

just like the weather.

The rain is my tears, and the thunder

is my breaking heart.

And here I am

Alone.

Standing underneath my grey umbrella.

October 6.

There's a gaping hole inside me.

Still.

From you.

You have cemented all of my haunting thoughts in my head, as true. 

I will breathe in this world alone.

I may have lost someone, who had never loved me.

And I like to tell myself, that you are the one who lost. Because you lost someone who truly loved you.

As each day passes, I feel the burning truth.

Most nights are rough, I lay there in darkness. Overwhelmed by the things, I wished I didn't think about.

I gave so much of myself to you, that I lay here, suffocated.

In my hand I hold the pieces,
I have left of me.

So broken, and small.

My heart aches from missing the touch of once being loved. To be held on days when its raining, and raining, and raining, in my soul. Days like this. Days like today. 

I miss the comfort,

of having someone there,

when I would return home.

But I have to learn to live with the ache.

I don't want this life anymore.

So its either, push through, and make my tears my anthem.

Or let my heart stings hang me, and have my last breathe be my "sorry ".

I could never take back my goodbye.

One things for sure.

Life has pain. 

And pain seems to be all I know. 

So the decision is made.

"The sadness will last forever."