It's Going to be Okay.

You want me to write about my heart? Well then this is going to be really interesting, considering the fact that it is the most complex thing about me. 

How am I supposed to write about something that changes the rhythm of its heart beat, every night as I'm drifting off to sleep?

You asked for it though. You asked for this. So many people have told me that I need to open up. But not a single person  understands, that every time I pry apart my rib cage, releasing all the butterflies that have been hiding there, for years. People are too busy swatting them away, to realize what I have done for them. So please, excuse the mess. It's easy for things to clutter up when you keep the door locked for so long.

My heart is chained and boarded and nailed, just to keep people out of it. I even have a sign painted in bold letters saying, "Don't come in, I'm hurting". 

My heart is full of empty spaces, and it feels numb most of the time. But that's okay. 

My heart is as hollow and empty as the spaces between the stars. And you know what? That's okay too.

It's okay.

It's okay because it wasn't always like this. 

My heart used to be happy, and it used to be able to feel every little emotion people feel on a day to day basis, and it wanted to. It used to skip a beat when that boy smiled at me walking through the halls, or when someone gave me a genuine compliment. My heart used to feel love and passion, and everything in between. My heart used to vibrant. My heart used to be able to feel laughter spread through my body, as if it were a spark growing to a fire. 

My heart used to beat to let me know I was loved.

My heart used to have so much to say.

But then it changed.

It changed for no reason at all.

Now my heart is covered in bumps and bruises.

And now, my soul is nothing more than battered and broken. And now the scar tissue on my skin, is what helps wipe those tears away. 

I didn't know how broken I was until every time I laughed, I just wanted to cry.

I was so confused, as to why to my heart gave in to darkness. I tried to come up with every answer, yet none of them fit. It wasn't until I was lying in my bed on a Thursday night. When my clock blinked 3:44, that I realized why.

You.

It was you.

You were the one that got my heart to stop talking. 

Which was strange, you used to be the one who kept my heart chatting forever. You made it so my heart wouldn't shut up.

But now?

Silence.

Heartbreak numbs

everything but pain.

But oh dear,

There is no greater pain, than the pain I feel in my heart everyday, as I wake up to the thought that I love you twice as much today, then I did yesterday. While you no longer have an ounce of love for me. 

I have a lock across my heart, because I gave the key to you. And you walked inside and made a mess. You ripped me apart and made me broken. 

Amongst my demons, you were the hardest to battle. 

Because of you,

I'm weak and damaged.

Now I have too many empty spaces.

But I'm not alone. 

Because you know what? This is who we are: we are seven billion lonely souls, wandering this earth, trying to free ourselves, from this heavy, empty feeling in our chests.

So I'm not alone.

Even if I feel like I am at times.

We're broken.

I'm Broken. 

and you know what?

It's going to be okay.

We're going to be okay.

I'm going to be okay.

We're broken and lonely 

together.

And that's okay.

Love at First sight

I have never believed in love at first sight,
that we are able to give our hearts away
upon one view.

Or that after just one glance
we are in love.

But I do believe that the second I saw your eyes, I loved them. And the moment I saw your smile, I loved it. And the instant I heard your laugh, I fell in love with the sound.

I have never believed in love at first sight.

But I do believe that after one glance in your direction

                 I have belonged to you completely.

Prom 2016

Him - "you owe me 1/2 dance still"

Me - "you don't want to dance with me because all I can offer you is sweaty palms and awkward conversation"

Him - "you sold me"

Me - "I sold you on what?"

Him - "You sold me on you"

It's Gonna Be Messy

   I'm a jumbled up mess. Full of complications. I can never make up my mind. As I've said in my introduction, I call myself a paradox. Or more specifically, my mind is the paradox. I'm just the void. This post, this reveal, is going to be a jumbled up mess as well. It seems best fit. 

I'm a paradox.

I want to be happy, 

but I think of things that make me sad.
I'm lazy, yet ambitious. 
I don't generally like myself, but I
also love who I am. 
I say I don't care, yet most of the time
I do.
I crave attention, but reject it
when it comes my way.

I'm a conflicted contradiction.

I can't figure myself out, so 
there's no way anyone else 
has either.

And like the moon

she had a side of her

so dark, that even the stars

couldn't shine on it.

she has a side of her

so cold, that even the sun

couldn't burn on it.

I have a fear of Otter pops. Like,

legit not kidding. 

I believe that Spyro the dragon

is the most amazing game 

on the planet.

Besides, COD MW3,

or Black Ops 3.

There are days where

all I can think is,

"I just want to go home"

Even as I'm laying in

my own bed.

I believe in a lot of things.

I believe in moments, 

and kisses, and Mountain Dew.

I believe in books, and people,

and music that makes you 

feel something.

I believe in sunrise, and nights

with a full moon,

and all the moments inbetween.

I believe in the fact that we

are all made up

of star dust

and we have a part of the

universe within us.

Sometimes, I even

believe in love.

And it's a shame really,

because I believe in all things

but I don't believe

in myself.

Most of the time anyway.

This is me.

Me and my grey.

Me and my never ending

paradox.

This is me.

McKinzie Seeley.