You Left Your Mark.

I remember when you were a human.
Just a human.

Just a person.

I remember when you were just a passing face.

But then that changed.

Then you said hi.

Then you kissed my soul with

your words.

Then I became afraid.

I was afraid of the way you made me feel. 

I was afraid of how, one 

look from you..

         Made my knees weak..

I wasn't supposed to love you,

I wasn't supposed to fall for you.

I had to pretend that I didn't,

That I don't.

But I'm having a hard time convincing myself.

And now I'm afraid that you're 

always going to mean something to me.

You had left a mark on me.

I knew I was going to get hurt.

You could have anyone that you wanted.

It would be so easy for you to leave me.

But, I didn't want to risk,

not being with you.

I feared goodbyes.

I hated them.

I hated the void of what comes 

after them. 

The vulnerability..

So I'll swallow my words

and hope that I choke.

Because anything is easier 

than saying goodbye.

I look at you now and I don't see 

just an ordinary person.

I don't see a standard face.

Now..

Now you're noteworthy.

You became something so complex, that

I couldn't understand.

More complex than me.

And I found that intriguing.

But I was just a face to you.

Just a girl that was falling for you.

Someone that could distract you for

the time being.

I was colored pencils, instead of sharpies.

I wasn't permanent.

So you moved on.

You left.

You weren't afraid of goodbyes.

You were afraid of attachment.

But as for me,

I was afraid of letting go.

I was afraid of being forgotten.

Of being replaced.

I wish I wasn't though..

I wish you were still just

a human to me.

Like I was to you.

I don't want to look at you,

and see poetry.

Just Imagine..

Do you ever just see someone when you're
walking down the street, or waiting in line for
coffee and just think:

Wow, you are beautiful.

There's something about that person that just
captivates you, draws you in, and you can't
exactly put your finger on it.

And you find yourself staring, just watching
them go about their business in the way that
they do.

Then it's your turn in line, or the person turned
a corner and disappeared, and you realize 
you've got a big goofy grin on your face 
because just, wow.

Imagine..

Just imagine..

Imagine how many people have had that
experience because they saw you.

Maybe Just One Dance?

Spring Fling is this Saturday.

My Senior year of Spring Fling.

Except, I'm not going.

Just like how I haven't gone to any other school dances.

Every guys choice dance, I don't get asked.

And every girls choice dance, I get turned down.

Instead, I sit in my sweats, with my hair in a messy bun.

I order takeout from my favorite place to eat.

And I have Netflix marathons of my favorite TV shows.

And all while I do this,

I am writing poems. Looking at others dance pictures on Facebook.

But before I do all of this,

I am helping my friends get ready for the dance.

Curling their hair, doing their makeup, etc..

Every time, they tell me,

"I bet you will go to the next one."

"You are too beautiful to not get asked."

"I don't know why guys aren't asking you, you're prettier than me."

But am I?

Am I the image of beautiful to them?

Or just an average girl?

Maybe one day I will get asked to a dance,

and maybe I won't.

And if I don't, that's okay.

I have embraced this loneliness of being alone.

As well as accepting the beauty,

That my first dance,

Will be on my wedding day.

In the arms of someone, who will always be willing

To have the first dance.

And man,

Am I looking forward to that.

#different

What is Sad?

I believe that there are many types of sad.

So many different feelings with it.

and I have come to know many,

Just as many,

have come to know me.

I have realized that sad..

Can be people.

What is the saddest kind?

The saddest kind of sad

Is the sad that tries not to be sad.

You know,

When sad tries to bite its lip

and not cry,

and smile,

and say "No, I'm happy for you"

That's when it's 

Really sad.

Yet again,

Maybe we are all just

Sad.

Grey Crayon in the Box

When I was a little girl, I was told my eyes reflected the galaxies of my thoughts. And that nothing could be more beautiful.

 I believed you could make wishes on eyelashes, like we do with dandelions. I believed grey was the most fascinating color in the crayon box.
But never did I think, my mind would be as unknown as a paradox.

I believed in pinkie promises. 

 I believed in bedtime stories, and mini marshmallows in hot chocolate. I believed nothing could be greater than love. And still, I believed grey was the most fascinating color in the crayon box.
But never did I think, goodbyes could hurt more than a knife.

 I believed you could get through anything with a Hannah Montana song. I believed that my ADHD could never hold me back. I believed in dads and doughnuts, and drinking apple juice when you get sick. I believed my stuffed animals were family, and that peas were of the devil. 

But never once did I think, 
that the little grey crayon in the box, was me.

 And now I believe that grey is the color of secrets, never meant to be read. Grey is the unknown. Grey is supposed to be the inbetween. Grey is a color that doesn't stand out. 

I believe that colors will always fade, but grey will remain. I believe grey is the color of our empty spaces.

But maybe grey is a paradox too.

Maybe grey is sad. And maybe grey cries. But grey will be okay. Maybe grey can be beautiful, as it's the color of silence. Maybe grey stays the same, to comfort each color when its their time to fade. Maybe grey is lost, trying to find its spot on the page.

And maybe,
Maybe I'm just a little too grey.

I am a dull and lifeless grey. I am one that wants nothing more than to be that little girl with crazy beliefs. The girl that didn't know any better.

Now I just think in grey.
But that's not entirely a bad thing.

So next time you see, that little grey crayon in the box. Think of a little girl who hoped and dreamed. Think of a girl that makes mistakes, but still continues to try. Think of a girl who still believes in pinkie promises. Think of a girl who is more beautiful than all her defeat. Think of a girl who will always be around, who is always here to stay.

Think of me.

        Me and my grey.

One Day

I hope one day you realize

how alone I really am..

how left out I really feel..

how many tears I really cry..

Maybe you will actually see

I was never really happy.

Everyone forgot,

without thinking to remember.

Always in the background,

or always in the center.

Yet still,

  Somehow always,

Unnoticed. 

I hope someday,

someone realizes.

Cause right now..

my cries are

being mistaken

as laughter.

Just to Keep You Out

I tried to stop loving you
so I built walls around my heart.
Walls made of bricks,
Just to keep you out.

And found other names
to whisper in the night.
Just to forget the feeling,
of your arms holding me tight.

But you carved yourself,
into my veins,
as if it were my grout,
that held together my brick wall.

I don't know if you meant to,
but the memories are leaking in.
And sometimes I wonder,
If you remember the way
we looked at each other.

Like we're about to kiss.
Or maybe, you forgot.

With you went so much of me,
Yet here I am, remembering
the feeling of your arms,
and how they felt like home. 

I tried to stop loving you,
to such a great extent.

Only to have no other choice,
but to convince myself

That I never have..

Just to keep you out.