My Moment..

We go about our life's,
Searching for someone who's demons are
compatible with ours.
We dance with too much destruction, to fill
the empty spaces in our hearts.

We patiently and hopefully, wait for that
last dance. Because we believe it will make
us whole again.

For me,
I was left with too much hollow heartbreaks.
I started to give up on love, letting the
feeling of abandonment take over.

That's why..

It was unexpected.
So very unexpected.
How fast I fell for you.
How quickly we fell for each other. 

And to think it all started by a dishwasher.
In old smelly work clothes.
With pruned wrinkled fingers.
Yet it happened.
We fell for each other.

With snap streaks
And endless text messages,
to all nighters in gas station parking lots.
it was ridiculous,
But we fell for each other.

I remember it all.
The gentle little-more-than-friendly hugs,
Electrifying sweet kisses, and the nervous
sweaty palms while holding hands.

I remember the feeling I felt when I first
started talking to you.

I remember being afraid of the way you 
made me feel.

I remember not wanting to get hurt again.

I remember when I used to think that
everything was pointless. Wasted.
Desolate.
After all,
it all fades away in the end..

Yet incredibly,

We fell for each other.


There comes a time when you meet
someone, and you just want to make them
smile for the rest of your life.

And all it takes is a moment.
A single moment.

Until they become your forever.


You and me?
It's a forever kind of thing.

So darling,

Save the last dance for me. 

Because I remember,
We fell for each other.

And I swear to god,
that was my moment.

You. 

Not as Cliché

Have you ever wondered how someone who was romantically interested in you, viewed you?

As if they were writing a novel or a book. Maybe they'd write about your hair was a perfect shade of brown, or a flattering unnatural hair color (like pink, or purple) that brought out the pale/dark complexion of your skin. How beautiful your eyes looked when you were happy, or how they sparkled and darkened in different emotions.

Maybe you're viewed as a beautiful, sassy, spitfire, not afraid to speak your mind.

Maybe you're the shy sweetheart, who doesn't really understand how beautiful you are, yet you see beauty in everything else.

Or maybe, it's hard to categorize you, because they're horrible at words, but they're so damn in love with you to even care.

To someone, who you are as a person doesn't deter them from falling in love with you. It doesn't matter how broken your past is, or the fact you may be hard to figure out, how crazy your family is.

At the end of the day, everyone gets their storybook romance.

It just won't be cliche as all the others.

Kisses

I want to kiss you,

but only in the most

connotative way possible,

so that no dictionary definition

would stand a chance

to describe how your lungs

could be filled with the

sweetest air possible,

and yet you would still be

so breathless..

You.

I remember how it was.

How we were.

I remember how it felt, and how it feels.

I remember the passion.

I remember the late night drives, and midnight text conversations.

I remember the green snap backs

And the Taco Bell we never ate.

I remember the GTRs and the i8s.

I remember the Lotus.

I remember you.
I remember our week.

I remember us.

I could never forget.

And it hurts...

It hurts like hell...

It's Going to be Okay.

You want me to write about my heart? Well then this is going to be really interesting, considering the fact that it is the most complex thing about me. 

How am I supposed to write about something that changes the rhythm of its heart beat, every night as I'm drifting off to sleep?

You asked for it though. You asked for this. So many people have told me that I need to open up. But not a single person  understands, that every time I pry apart my rib cage, releasing all the butterflies that have been hiding there, for years. People are too busy swatting them away, to realize what I have done for them. So please, excuse the mess. It's easy for things to clutter up when you keep the door locked for so long.

My heart is chained and boarded and nailed, just to keep people out of it. I even have a sign painted in bold letters saying, "Don't come in, I'm hurting". 

My heart is full of empty spaces, and it feels numb most of the time. But that's okay. 

My heart is as hollow and empty as the spaces between the stars. And you know what? That's okay too.

It's okay.

It's okay because it wasn't always like this. 

My heart used to be happy, and it used to be able to feel every little emotion people feel on a day to day basis, and it wanted to. It used to skip a beat when that boy smiled at me walking through the halls, or when someone gave me a genuine compliment. My heart used to feel love and passion, and everything in between. My heart used to vibrant. My heart used to be able to feel laughter spread through my body, as if it were a spark growing to a fire. 

My heart used to beat to let me know I was loved.

My heart used to have so much to say.

But then it changed.

It changed for no reason at all.

Now my heart is covered in bumps and bruises.

And now, my soul is nothing more than battered and broken. And now the scar tissue on my skin, is what helps wipe those tears away. 

I didn't know how broken I was until every time I laughed, I just wanted to cry.

I was so confused, as to why to my heart gave in to darkness. I tried to come up with every answer, yet none of them fit. It wasn't until I was lying in my bed on a Thursday night. When my clock blinked 3:44, that I realized why.

You.

It was you.

You were the one that got my heart to stop talking. 

Which was strange, you used to be the one who kept my heart chatting forever. You made it so my heart wouldn't shut up.

But now?

Silence.

Heartbreak numbs

everything but pain.

But oh dear,

There is no greater pain, than the pain I feel in my heart everyday, as I wake up to the thought that I love you twice as much today, then I did yesterday. While you no longer have an ounce of love for me. 

I have a lock across my heart, because I gave the key to you. And you walked inside and made a mess. You ripped me apart and made me broken. 

Amongst my demons, you were the hardest to battle. 

Because of you,

I'm weak and damaged.

Now I have too many empty spaces.

But I'm not alone. 

Because you know what? This is who we are: we are seven billion lonely souls, wandering this earth, trying to free ourselves, from this heavy, empty feeling in our chests.

So I'm not alone.

Even if I feel like I am at times.

We're broken.

I'm Broken. 

and you know what?

It's going to be okay.

We're going to be okay.

I'm going to be okay.

We're broken and lonely 

together.

And that's okay.

Love at First sight

I have never believed in love at first sight,
that we are able to give our hearts away
upon one view.

Or that after just one glance
we are in love.

But I do believe that the second I saw your eyes, I loved them. And the moment I saw your smile, I loved it. And the instant I heard your laugh, I fell in love with the sound.

I have never believed in love at first sight.

But I do believe that after one glance in your direction

                 I have belonged to you completely.

Prom 2016

Him - "you owe me 1/2 dance still"

Me - "you don't want to dance with me because all I can offer you is sweaty palms and awkward conversation"

Him - "you sold me"

Me - "I sold you on what?"

Him - "You sold me on you"

It's Gonna Be Messy

   I'm a jumbled up mess. Full of complications. I can never make up my mind. As I've said in my introduction, I call myself a paradox. Or more specifically, my mind is the paradox. I'm just the void. This post, this reveal, is going to be a jumbled up mess as well. It seems best fit. 

I'm a paradox.

I want to be happy, 

but I think of things that make me sad.
I'm lazy, yet ambitious. 
I don't generally like myself, but I
also love who I am. 
I say I don't care, yet most of the time
I do.
I crave attention, but reject it
when it comes my way.

I'm a conflicted contradiction.

I can't figure myself out, so 
there's no way anyone else 
has either.

And like the moon

she had a side of her

so dark, that even the stars

couldn't shine on it.

she has a side of her

so cold, that even the sun

couldn't burn on it.

I have a fear of Otter pops. Like,

legit not kidding. 

I believe that Spyro the dragon

is the most amazing game 

on the planet.

Besides, COD MW3,

or Black Ops 3.

There are days where

all I can think is,

"I just want to go home"

Even as I'm laying in

my own bed.

I believe in a lot of things.

I believe in moments, 

and kisses, and Mountain Dew.

I believe in books, and people,

and music that makes you 

feel something.

I believe in sunrise, and nights

with a full moon,

and all the moments inbetween.

I believe in the fact that we

are all made up

of star dust

and we have a part of the

universe within us.

Sometimes, I even

believe in love.

And it's a shame really,

because I believe in all things

but I don't believe

in myself.

Most of the time anyway.

This is me.

Me and my grey.

Me and my never ending

paradox.

This is me.

McKinzie Seeley.

You Left Your Mark.

I remember when you were a human.
Just a human.

Just a person.

I remember when you were just a passing face.

But then that changed.

Then you said hi.

Then you kissed my soul with

your words.

Then I became afraid.

I was afraid of the way you made me feel. 

I was afraid of how, one 

look from you..

         Made my knees weak..

I wasn't supposed to love you,

I wasn't supposed to fall for you.

I had to pretend that I didn't,

That I don't.

But I'm having a hard time convincing myself.

And now I'm afraid that you're 

always going to mean something to me.

You had left a mark on me.

I knew I was going to get hurt.

You could have anyone that you wanted.

It would be so easy for you to leave me.

But, I didn't want to risk,

not being with you.

I feared goodbyes.

I hated them.

I hated the void of what comes 

after them. 

The vulnerability..

So I'll swallow my words

and hope that I choke.

Because anything is easier 

than saying goodbye.

I look at you now and I don't see 

just an ordinary person.

I don't see a standard face.

Now..

Now you're noteworthy.

You became something so complex, that

I couldn't understand.

More complex than me.

And I found that intriguing.

But I was just a face to you.

Just a girl that was falling for you.

Someone that could distract you for

the time being.

I was colored pencils, instead of sharpies.

I wasn't permanent.

So you moved on.

You left.

You weren't afraid of goodbyes.

You were afraid of attachment.

But as for me,

I was afraid of letting go.

I was afraid of being forgotten.

Of being replaced.

I wish I wasn't though..

I wish you were still just

a human to me.

Like I was to you.

I don't want to look at you,

and see poetry.

Just Imagine..

Do you ever just see someone when you're
walking down the street, or waiting in line for
coffee and just think:

Wow, you are beautiful.

There's something about that person that just
captivates you, draws you in, and you can't
exactly put your finger on it.

And you find yourself staring, just watching
them go about their business in the way that
they do.

Then it's your turn in line, or the person turned
a corner and disappeared, and you realize 
you've got a big goofy grin on your face 
because just, wow.

Imagine..

Just imagine..

Imagine how many people have had that
experience because they saw you.

Maybe Just One Dance?

Spring Fling is this Saturday.

My Senior year of Spring Fling.

Except, I'm not going.

Just like how I haven't gone to any other school dances.

Every guys choice dance, I don't get asked.

And every girls choice dance, I get turned down.

Instead, I sit in my sweats, with my hair in a messy bun.

I order takeout from my favorite place to eat.

And I have Netflix marathons of my favorite TV shows.

And all while I do this,

I am writing poems. Looking at others dance pictures on Facebook.

But before I do all of this,

I am helping my friends get ready for the dance.

Curling their hair, doing their makeup, etc..

Every time, they tell me,

"I bet you will go to the next one."

"You are too beautiful to not get asked."

"I don't know why guys aren't asking you, you're prettier than me."

But am I?

Am I the image of beautiful to them?

Or just an average girl?

Maybe one day I will get asked to a dance,

and maybe I won't.

And if I don't, that's okay.

I have embraced this loneliness of being alone.

As well as accepting the beauty,

That my first dance,

Will be on my wedding day.

In the arms of someone, who will always be willing

To have the first dance.

And man,

Am I looking forward to that.

#different

What is Sad?

I believe that there are many types of sad.

So many different feelings with it.

and I have come to know many,

Just as many,

have come to know me.

I have realized that sad..

Can be people.

What is the saddest kind?

The saddest kind of sad

Is the sad that tries not to be sad.

You know,

When sad tries to bite its lip

and not cry,

and smile,

and say "No, I'm happy for you"

That's when it's 

Really sad.

Yet again,

Maybe we are all just

Sad.

Grey Crayon in the Box

When I was a little girl, I was told my eyes reflected the galaxies of my thoughts. And that nothing could be more beautiful.

 I believed you could make wishes on eyelashes, like we do with dandelions. I believed grey was the most fascinating color in the crayon box.
But never did I think, my mind would be as unknown as a paradox.

I believed in pinkie promises. 

 I believed in bedtime stories, and mini marshmallows in hot chocolate. I believed nothing could be greater than love. And still, I believed grey was the most fascinating color in the crayon box.
But never did I think, goodbyes could hurt more than a knife.

 I believed you could get through anything with a Hannah Montana song. I believed that my ADHD could never hold me back. I believed in dads and doughnuts, and drinking apple juice when you get sick. I believed my stuffed animals were family, and that peas were of the devil. 

But never once did I think, 
that the little grey crayon in the box, was me.

 And now I believe that grey is the color of secrets, never meant to be read. Grey is the unknown. Grey is supposed to be the inbetween. Grey is a color that doesn't stand out. 

I believe that colors will always fade, but grey will remain. I believe grey is the color of our empty spaces.

But maybe grey is a paradox too.

Maybe grey is sad. And maybe grey cries. But grey will be okay. Maybe grey can be beautiful, as it's the color of silence. Maybe grey stays the same, to comfort each color when its their time to fade. Maybe grey is lost, trying to find its spot on the page.

And maybe,
Maybe I'm just a little too grey.

I am a dull and lifeless grey. I am one that wants nothing more than to be that little girl with crazy beliefs. The girl that didn't know any better.

Now I just think in grey.
But that's not entirely a bad thing.

So next time you see, that little grey crayon in the box. Think of a little girl who hoped and dreamed. Think of a girl that makes mistakes, but still continues to try. Think of a girl who still believes in pinkie promises. Think of a girl who is more beautiful than all her defeat. Think of a girl who will always be around, who is always here to stay.

Think of me.

        Me and my grey.

One Day

I hope one day you realize

how alone I really am..

how left out I really feel..

how many tears I really cry..

Maybe you will actually see

I was never really happy.

Everyone forgot,

without thinking to remember.

Always in the background,

or always in the center.

Yet still,

  Somehow always,

Unnoticed. 

I hope someday,

someone realizes.

Cause right now..

my cries are

being mistaken

as laughter.

Just to Keep You Out

I tried to stop loving you
so I built walls around my heart.
Walls made of bricks,
Just to keep you out.

And found other names
to whisper in the night.
Just to forget the feeling,
of your arms holding me tight.

But you carved yourself,
into my veins,
as if it were my grout,
that held together my brick wall.

I don't know if you meant to,
but the memories are leaking in.
And sometimes I wonder,
If you remember the way
we looked at each other.

Like we're about to kiss.
Or maybe, you forgot.

With you went so much of me,
Yet here I am, remembering
the feeling of your arms,
and how they felt like home. 

I tried to stop loving you,
to such a great extent.

Only to have no other choice,
but to convince myself

That I never have..

Just to keep you out.

Yesterdays..

11:59 PM

In one minute, or

sixty seconds, or

sixty thousand milliseconds,

today will be gone

and today will be yesterday and 

tomorrow will be today.

it's kind of terrifying when you think

about it.

Terrifying in the way that everything

you did today - all the 

lists you made,

places you've been,

things you've touched, 

songs you've heard,

conversations you've had - will

soon become a memory,


or worse, it would be forgotten.

Lost amidst all of your yesterdays.

gone.

And the trouble is, you

think you have so much time.

12:00 AM

            Today. 

Maybe Love is just a Void..

I am lost in this hollow vastness that people call love. I can't remember where I've gone, or where I've went. I've forgotten my own footsteps, retracing them is hopeless. 

I keep waiting. 

Waiting for someone to notice me, to help me find my way. I'm waiting for someone to piece me back together. To find all my broken parts, all the traces that I've left behind. I'm waiting for someone to make me whole again.

Though maybe,

Maybe I'm always waiting. 

You see, I laugh a lot for someone who is dead inside. And I smile just enough, to seem okay. 

But I hope that one day, someone will come along and bring back the dimples in my smile. And that their smile, the warmth of it, will give me that feeling of butterflies. The feeling that I have longed to remember.

My heart is full of empty spaces.

And with empty spaces, comes secrets full of metaphors.

A box full of happy memories, with him. A calendar kept close to my skin. A ring that holds so much promise, but was never promised. 

Maybe love is just a void.

Maybe love, is just an idea. An idea that was meant to give us hope, but not to keep us breathing. So many of us, get drunk on the idea of love. And not enough of us, realize how destructive it really is.

Love gives us idle feelings. We think we're happy, but really..

We're desolate.

Or maybe that's just me. Me and my twisted thoughts. Thinking that love is evil. Evil like the sun. I have found a lot of horrors in light, and so much beauty in the dark. 

I have lost hope in finding love, and in finding myself. I think I will always be lost. Lost in the void. And I think, I will continue to have shallow laughter, and fake smiles. I think I've lost the light in my eyes. My step has lost its purpose, and voice has become  an echo, an echo in the void. 

I think I've become desolate, and will always feel the numbness of deaths kiss. I think I have learned to live with these empty spaces in my heart.

I also think, someone is going to find me. And they are going to fall in love with me. Whatever that means. And they are going to fall in love with the all the little broken pieces, and painful memories, and endless tears, and weakened cries. They are going to fall in love with the little quirks, and giggles, and gentle touches. They are going to fall in love with me. So I think, I'm going to keep just enough hope, to get me through.

Because maybe, just maybe..

We are all lost. 

And maybe, the void isn't so bad.

Maybe, we are all waiting in the empty spaces of out hearts, for someone to find us.

And so,

I think I'm going to keep waiting.

Scribbled in Sharpie

I have many hats.

Almost too many to count.

 I have green hats, and black hats.
Purple hats and grey hats.
Even some snap backs. 
 And they all have memories.
Memories of coffee shops,
and sweaty concerts. 
Even dark alley ways with fireworks.
 But there is one specific hat,
One hat that will always be my favorite.
 The one you wore when you held my hand,
And the tingle in my fingertips,
kept me from holding yours. 
 The hat you wore,
When we first kissed, in my cars front seat after work that night.
The hat with our names inside it,

  Scribbled in Sharpie.

The hat that never left your head,
until the day you put it on mine.
 The hat that was our promise.
Our promise to never leave.
 The hat you would only let me touch.
The hat that was our forever.
And finally,
The hat I wore,
Standing under the street light,
       Watching you walk away..


I have many hats.
Almost too many to count.
But not one of these hats,
could compare to the one,

              That was yours.